sick cycle carousel

I'm such a fool to have think that books have the answer to everything, they serve nothing more than guiding principles. Have I no crutch to fall on, is the spirit silent within me, seared like a hot iron? Or has it always been that I have been permitted to do what do I not within the perfect will of God due to my stubborn and strong willpower which served to bring me through circumstances by myself? Am I defiant? Am I weak? Am I not becoming the man I should be but becoming the wretched being that is of all man, giving in, cutting loose, becoming a monster to be feared and frustrated in her eyes? Inhibitions released, born of the confidence that became boldness that changed to...chaos. Should I step down from everything, let go and begin from square one for everything? Will that not violate the principles as written and affirm by self? Will I not be a hypocrite? Am I not already one? God help me.